Once a week, everyone in the gifted program (there were about 10 of us), would get bussed off to a special building to be taught special topics. Leaving class on those days, to leave the others behind, knowing that they all knew who we were, and where we were going, was a good feeling.  It was my first taste of pride.  Proud of myself for being noticed as something more special than the others.

Yet, I do not feel I used the tools given to me in any special way. By the time I was in high school, I was enrolled in all advanced placement classes, and I was over 6 feet tall. Looking back, had I tried, I probably could have been a star athlete in the sport of my choosing, or maybe a star student. I probably could have gotten scholarships, or into Ivy League schools on either academic or athletic merit. But I didn’t.

I used my gifts, to enable me to be lazy. I could sleep through class, skip homework assignments, write book reports on books I had barely skimmed through. I could skate by without even trying. Sad thing is, this trait followed me through college, and into my adult life, and I behave much the same now. I appear to excel at things when in reality, I am hardly even trying.

When it was time to take my SAT’s, I didn’t care. I knew I could get the score I wanted. I didn’t prepare, I didn’t study. The night before I stayed up too late and got to my test 15 minutes late, having forgotten my pencil, and my calculator. I took the test, without a calculator, using a borrowed pencil, and finished first. I scored 1450.

The difficult thing is, pride. I was later told by my mother the score I got on the I.Q. test. I don’t take it for much since I was probably only 7 years old when I took it, but the score she told me was 157.  While I am almost certain that number is a lie.  I was proud of it. Not only was I proud of it, I was cocky about it. I did not openly brag, and did not appear cocky, but in my own head, and in my own life – I was cocky. I knew I didn’t have to try very hard, and as such I didn’t.  The gifted program, and that number, made me so cocky and proud, that I was probably worse off.

Now I realize, perhaps, I am not really all that smart after all. I see kids who I easily out performed in high school with doctorates from the finest Ivy League schools, scholarships, everything I didn’t get. I graduated college and took a high paying job right away. A job in a field I do not like. A job I am still in today. All because I was lazy. I was, and still am, complacent.  If I was smart, I would have recognized the power of what I had, and used it in a much better way.

There is a phenomenon where I feel some people are too smart for their own good.  I have had a theory about it for a long time, but I never actually applied it to myself, until now.  The theory is that some people are so smart, they are stupid.  Not in the savant sort of way, but an entirely different way altogether.

One of my best friends growing up, is who gave me this idea.  He was easily smarter than I ever was, or ever will be.  Yet, the decisions he made, were terrible.  He saw the flaws in society, and rebelled against them.  He saw the flaws in the school system, and as such, dropped out of school.  He was smart enough to recognize the flaws in the world, and probably how the fix them.  But he was too dumb to realize that he was better off playing along with the system, and taking advantage of it.

I have coasted through life on raw intelligence alone, but I lack any sort of real drive.  There are things I want to do, things I wish I could do.  There are ideas I have, and dreams I dream.  I see a world full of things I could do, becoming things I could have done.  I have some major personal flaws which intelligence cannot outweigh.  I lack drive and motivation to be something more, and I contain just enough pride to the point where I still feel like I can sit up on a perch above everyone else.  Expecting people to simply recognize something in me that third grade teacher did, and handing me an opportunity to be something more, again.  My mind races all the time.  I become easily stressed out and overwhelmed with my own ideas.  I am perpetually depressed.

The tunnel is short.

I need an outlet.  I need to start doing things myself, before everything I want to do becomes something I can no longer do, but merely something I could have done.

A friend is someone you can trust, someone you can rely on to be there even in the darkest times, and most importantly, someone you enjoy being around.

I think a lot of people today skip the first two parts of my definition, and go right to the enjoyment part.  I imagine that  a lot of people hold like-mindedness paramount as well.  For me, having a like-minded friend is a bonus, but not at all important.

Growing up, I always had lots of friends.  Some of that was interrupted when I moved away from my original home town when I was twelve years old.  But I slowly gained a new “core” group of friends at my new school.  Many of those friends I am still close with today, many of them I am not.  When it comes to friends, as I have gotten older, I have also become a lot more picky, as such, I have decided not to be friends with certain people anymore.

As you get older, the opportunities to make new friends often lessen, combined with having less time than you had in times past due to family, or kids, or job obligations, making new friendships and properly nuturing those friendships can prove quite difficult.  This is where I find myself:  Wishing I had more quality friends, but struggling to find them.  Most people would just look back to the old addage:

I would rather have 1 great friend than 10 good ones.

I am not sure, though, if that is always a true statement when people say it, or if it is just something they would like themselves to believe.  Personally, I think I would love to have 10 great friends.

Over the years I am purposely ended a lot of friendships.  I do not regret these choices, as most of those people were simply not good matches for me, and my definition of friendship.  Although it can become a little awkward when mutual friends of myself, and those I am no longer friends with, are brought into the picture.  It is very hard to explain to someone why you do not wish to be friends anymore, much like breaking up with a girl, except with old friends, there is always someone in your life with a connection to those old friends, and always someone who again wants you to justify to them why you cannot be friends anymore.

In middle school and high school, as I mentioned before, I had a great core of friends.  Toward the middle of high school, for reasons I will never know, I became a very popular guy, and suddenly I had literally, hundreds of friends.  If I had to guess, I’d say it was due to the very party friendly atmosphere which was my house, and nothing more.  At the end of high school, something very interesting happened:  I went to college.

I do not want to sound like an elitist or anything, but, the majority of my original friends, did not attend college.  All those people I was friends (partied) with toward the end of high school, simply disappeared.  Most of my core group of friends stayed home, sat around getting stoned, working at dead-end jobs.  In fact, most of them still live at home with their parents and they are almost 30 years old.  At some point toward the end of college, long after I had quit doing any sort of drugs, mostly quit partying, and had made a life and a career for myself, I had only a couple of friends left.

I do not feel bad that I basically wrote off a lot of my old gang for nothing more than being a bunch of losers.  Mostly because I am friends with a small portion of them, and I do not judge them at all for their choices in life.  The thing that keeps me friends with them fits my definition:  I can trust them, I can rely on them, and I enjoy being around them.

Those who I am no longer close to are very spiteful toward me, and they feel as if I had passed some sort of judgment upon them for not living up to my expectations, I only wish I could make them realize that is not the case in the slightest.  The truth is, anyone I am no longer friends with, betrayed me, more than once.  Maybe I should be more forgiving?

Either way, the real point of this is about the sources of new friends.  For me, there are really only a few ways to meet new people:  At work, locally via clubs and meetup opportunities, and via the internet.  Since I am a bit anti-social by nature, I do not generally venture out into the public or join some sort of club with the intent of making new friends, and having worked at the same place for over 3 years now, my options of socializing with co-workers have been exhausted, so I have found myself with a couple of very high quality friends whom I met online.

When I tell people that I met my fiance on World of Warcraft, or that I spent 4th of July weekend with a couple whom I regularly talk to on Twitter, I am normally met with a bit of an awkward look.  I don’t mind though, because the people I have met online have turned out to be some of the best friends I have ever made.  I think that more and more, people are meeting their best friends, and future wives, online.  Any why shouldn’t they?  Why should this be considered taboo?

To me, the internet is just as viable a place to meet someone as the local bar is.  Sure the initial meeting can be a bit awkward, but once you have spent 3 years talking to someone online, you tend to have a pretty good idea of what you are getting yourself into.  If you have spent a good amount of time talking to someone online, chances are they can become a great “real life” friend.  If you have ever considered meeting someone online, but have been nervous about it, my advice is: do it.

Me with Jzy (on twitter)

Shows like Heroes, Lost, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, and many other television shows, mostly in the science fiction genre, have a few things in common.  That is, high production costs, huge casts, extensive writing, and most importantly, a relatively low draw in terms of audience and ratings.  Shows of this magnitude are essentially movies, movies which are over 100 hours long.  Since network television produces these shows purely off of ad revenue, it is not hard to imagine an end to it all.

“It’s going to be one of the last huge television shows in terms of size of cast and scope of production,” predicts Bender, in town to lead a master class at the Banff World Television Festival.

“Given the fact that network television is changing, it may be one of the last great rides of this kind of big epic storytelling.”

This he attributes to a combination of factors: the collapsed economy, what the networks are looking for in new programming, and the sheer cost of mounting a show like “Lost.”

Citation

I have never been a huge TV nut; I never sit down at 10pm on Tuesday nights to watch a show.  I either record it on my Tivo, or I buy/download it later on after the fact.  I would venture to guess that I am a part of the vast majority of television fans, especially fans of shows in this genre.  As such, it is not hard to figure out why the top rated shows on television are reality shows like The Bachelorette, talent shows like American Idol, generic sitcoms, and of course, crime dramas like NCIS, CSI, and Law & Order.  All of these shows are not only far cheaper to produce from the networks perspective, but they are far easier for someone to just watch at their leisure, without 5 seasons worth of plot and story line to worry about.

Bender says TV’s thematic pendulum is swinging away from serial television towards more stand-alone dramas. Procedurals are popular with networks, he notes, because it’s easier for audiences to drop in at any time.

Citation

But what will come of the good old-fashioned epic science fiction story, or drama?  The days of shows with long, intricate contiguous plot lines, I fear, are over.

I can only hope that cable networks such as Showtime and HBO can pick up where the networks are leaving off, and it seems they already have by giving us amazing shows such as Dexter and True Blood.  If this turns out to be the case, then I will glady pay to stay a subscriber, much as is the case with me and satellite radio.  You can’t really put a price on good entertainment.

The Glory Days...

After getting level 80, I decided to start my own guild, part of which I outlined in this post.  Which as you might notice, is one of the last posts I made prior to my hiatus from blogging.  I must say that it was a valuable experiement, and I did enjoy the experience quite a bit.  The guild was very successful but ultimately didn’t work out.  After I decided to quit leading my guild, I made an even smarter decision on how to use my time:  I joined one of the top guilds in the world.  This was quite an eye-opening experience for me, and after participating in the progression rush after Ulduar launched, ending with a Server 1st, US 25th Yogg’Saron kill, I decided it was time to call it quits.

Quitting an MMO isn’t all that difficult to do, I have done it a few times.  It’s the letting go part that is hardest.  The friendships you make, the sense of achievement you get while playing (especially with WoW’s insanely addictive achievement system), and leaving the characters you worked so hard on behind, to rot.  For me, I have not only a top notch level 80 warrior, but 3 other level 80 characters.  A paladin, shaman, and warlock.  A testament to the amount of time I spent (wasted), playing WoW.

But now, I am back.  Back from the depths of the ultimate time waster.  Back to make an account for all those who are currently addicted to, or pretending not to be addicted to, an MMORPG.

I'm done, forever.

I am an introvert to begin with, always have been.  I am not a outgoing social butterfly, but playing an MMO to such an extent as I was only magnifies the issue.  When you are like me, and your only real responibilities include work and paying bills, it is very easy to get caught up.  I would hope that those who have kids are a  little bit more responsible with their gaming habits, but as I have witnessed first hand, that is not the case.

My entire life was basically dictated by WoW.  My raid schedule, content releases, etc.  Wake up, go to work, come home, play WoW.  All the while, eating like crap, and getting almost no exercise.  Now granted, this schedule isn’t all that much different than it would be for most people my age, except you’d substitute “Play WoW” with, “Play Xbox” or “Watch TV”, but it is all the missed opportunitues which became replaced with “Play WoW” which concern me.  Write a blog post?  Go out with some friends?  Go visit family?  NO!  Play WoW!

It’s amazing how many things you miss out on that you don’t even realize.  Now that I haven’t been playing for almost two months, my social life is extremely active, my family life is much better, and I am overall much happier.  Being a gamer at heart it is going to be very hard to avoid the allure of MMO’s forever, especially since they seem to the wave of the future in terms of gaming, but it is just something I have to do.

Either way, I look forward to writing again, and if you ever find yourself in a position where you even begin to feel like you are playing video games too much, you are, and it is best to quit while you’re ahead.

Try to get some rest
Count backward from ten

You’ve gone too long without sleep
I know you won’t rest stressed, so give up
Just give up
And don’t say no to pills
Atavan won’t kill

You said, “My life’s like a bad movie”
I said, “That’s true of all us”
You said, you said, “I’ve got to wake up so fucking early”
And I said, “Maybe the director’s turned on us”

Outside the 5 sounds like the ocean
Relax, don’t keep your eyes open
Don’t look at the clock
Your brain will never stop

You said, “My life’s like a bad movie”
I said, “That’s true of all us”
You said, you said, “I’ve got to wake up so fucking early”
And I said, “Maybe the director’s turned on us”

Don’t say no to pills
Atavan won’t kill

Alias – Watching Water

intake ambiance, a tool for meditation.
progressing towards the clouds at with whom i am complete.
defeat the chains that restrain an eager sensation.
equal balance in and out, all inhibitions shall deplete.

i’m trying to break this writer’s cramp, massage my hand and day dream,
out the window, innuendo, watch the water find its path down the glass.
it seems erratic direction its only perfection,
rest my head inside my hands, pace back and forth inside my mind.
i wish sometimes i wouldn’t reminisce so much,
such things tend to make one reflect and disect situations to an extreme.
hard now to redeem what was there before, no more,
gone are those days and ways have parted,
gone from feeling solid trust to outsmarted.
anyway, i’m now moving on to a distance far from yesterday,
it’s best this way, i felt as though i’ve miss this moment of truth.
outcome uneventful, i’ve lost the ability to heal sentimental,
i can stare at a puddle and see a million places i love.
it comes from thoughts of places i’ve been,
places i will never see again,
send my love to all who were there wishing i could crawl back in,
but, i’ve transformed and the pieces wouldn’t fit,
so the sore necks will cease.
eyes searching to the sky to try to find some form some peace,
and i keep pulling up blanks,
yet i’m wearing this mask for the sake of others.
we all miss things, i suppose, i must let go, well i’m not ready.
just let me sit in silence and soak in what’s trailing down the window,
to cleanse my emotions, to begin the process of preparing myself.

i watch the drops join its friends and become one with the crowd,
relating all too well, forcing me to sigh out loud.
look into clouds to envision the inside of my head,
i’m turning leaves at this turning point remembering what they said,
as they drove off one by one, they left, taking pieces of me
until i felt empty inside.
already looking forward to that day when i’d be returning,
and i hadn’t even left yet.
from then on, i took the inside-out approach.
your granted lots of time to think when your new position is coach.
and your team is sleeping the whole time,
when it’s 2:40 in the morning and you’re in the middle of nowhere,
with the buzz of the a.m. radio as the only one that’s there.
you think alot about life, it’s where it all began for me,
and the more i thought the more i began to clearly see absolutely every aspect of my life in a new light.
i figured out my rubix cube, well i got it somewhat right.
and things are coming together as i slowly come undone,
and the occurance known as it is swept under the rug,
and now my burden ways a ton, but it only makes me stronger,
and i refuse to break. i’m letting things pass by for the family’s sake.
just give me a picture of the truth, so i can hold it near,
and watch the rain fall, syncopated with one lonesome tear.

Lately I have been on this growing trend of alienating myself.  Everyone is annoying and everything is an inconvenience.  I truly enjoy a quiet weekend at home with my girlfriend and my dog more than any other activity in the world.  Am I an introvert?  Is there something unhealthy about this behavior?  I can’t help but to feel that I am somehow wrong in what I am doing.

As a little background on me – All through high school I had a very tight-knit group of friends consisting of about 10 people.  We were always out doing crazy stuff.  I had a very fun-filled and active childhood, and adolescence.  College was even better.  I had tons of friends, was always out doing something crazy.  I partied my ass off.  Once I graduated and got a job I basically went into a totally different mode in my life.  The mode I have been in for a while.  I don’t use any drugs, I get drunk maybe twice a year, I only party on majoy holidays, and in general, I just love to relax.  I barely answer my phone because I don’t want to be “bothered” and I rarely sign onto instant messengers anymore.

Strange thing is, I am completely happy with my quiet and uneventful life.

What I am wondering is:  Am I actually happy with my calm life due to having “been there done that” when it comes to an overactive social life and partying, or am I misleading myself and I am not actually happy at all, and my solitude is merely a symptom of some sort of deep-rooted depression?  I have no idea, and I wish I did.

I would hate to realize the wrong thing later on in life and have no friends to turn to.  I started thinking on this subject late last night for some reason.  Maybe it was after I had an argument with a friend, maybe it was after watching The Basketball Diaries.  Either way, I am begining to wonder, why do so many people adore me so much, and why do I push them away.

I know that as a friend, I am a very good person.  I realize I do have many good qualities, but I also feel I probably have more bad qualities than good.  Why do I deserve so much love in my life?  Why am I so hell-bent on being totally independant and nearly alone?  I think I have abandonment issues.

Can a butterfly flapping its wings over the ocean in Florida cause a tidal wave in Australia?

Well, to answer the above question, I would think not.  The context of what I am going to talk about here might even be best described as the domino effect, but, I think butterfly effect sounds way cooler, so lets stick with that.

In my life, many things have happened.  If you trace any one thing back, you can surely account each thing happening back to the decision to do something else.  As a ficticious example:  If I hadn’t decided to start smoking again I wouldn’t have been out at 4am driving to buy a pack of smokes when I got hit by that drunk driver.

You can pretty much trace everything that happens to everyone, backwards, indefinitely.

A friend of mine, loves to do this to me.  You see, about four years ago I was working on my car and he came over with this awesome new game that I had to try.  That game was World of Warcraft.  After a few hours of playing I decided to get my own copy.  Some of his EverQuest friends were playing on the “Stormrage” server, so thats where we decided to play.  You see, it is entirely because of him, that I play WoW on the Stormrage server.

This is where it gets interesting, and funny.

You see, I met my current girlfriend in WoW.  I know it sounds pathetic to meet someone in an online game, but that is a topic for an entirely different post, and something I am not ashamed of at all.  Anyhow, from time to time, my friend loves to account everything in my life, to himself.  “You know, if I hadn’t gotten you to play wow, you would have never met Cass, so you never would have gotten Dirk, and you wouldn’t live here, or work there.”

The funny thing is, he’s right.

However, before I can give him any credit for anything in my life, the question must be asked:  Does this sort of domino effect even matter?  While I recognize that he is entirely joking when he says these things, and I do not take it seriously at all, it is an interesting concept.  How does one action, or choice, affect you throughout the rest of your life?

Like I said before, almost anything in your life, someone elses life, or the world in general, can be traced backwards from event to event, all of which lead up to the current reality.  Some people believe that every choice made splits the universe into separate universes, each containing the possible outcomes of every choice, everyone has ever made.  This is known as the Many-Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics.

Regardless, its neat to think about.  How many choices did you make just today, which could affect the way the rest of your life turns out?

Truth is.  I simply love challenging myself to do better, to be better, and to always aspire to be what I feel I have the potential to be.  I can be a poor communicator though, especially face to face.  If you were to ask my girlfriend Cassandra to describe me in as few words as possible she would probably say “He’s a teddy bear.”

A teddy bear.  Right.

In true teddy bear fashion, I just wanted to take a piece of this blog and dedicate it to the two loves of my life.  Cassandra and Dirk.  Since I know she reads every post, and never says anything to me about it.  Since I know, sometimes reading my posts can probably lead her to question herself, and question my happiness.  And since I know, I’m not always good at expressing myself face to face, even to her.  I figured I would say it to the world.

Cassandra

I love you Cassandra.  You make me as happy as a miserable fucker like me can be.  Never question yourself, and never question my happiness or my love for you.  Especially not based on the cynical ramblings on my blog.

You are always happy.  The opposite of me.  Always offering perspective and keeping me on level ground.  Always cheerful and willing to do anything.  Always smiling.  You have an unstoppable smile that infects everyone around you.  You have an amazing ability to find the positive side of every situation.

You are hard working.  Never taking a day off, despite me using any excuse to stay home.  You have made a life for yourself and proven to everyone who ever doubted you that you are an achiever.  You take pride in your work and you always exceed expectations.  You are very mature and responsible.  I look up to you very much for your drive and motivation to do better.

You are supportive.  Everything I do, even this little silly blog, you stand behind.  You actually read what I write, and leave the occasional comment.  You push me to work on the things I want to work on.  You never discourage.  You make me believe anything is possible.

You are positive.  Impossible to discourage.

You are fun.  No matter what it is, from sporting events, to playing video games.  Always up for anything.  No suggestion is too crazy.  Nothing is too lame.  You will try anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone.  You have a passion for life I only wish I could begin to emulate.

Most important of all, you are you.

And to Dirk, even though you can’t read.  You fill a gap in our lives that nothing else can fill.  You can make me smile when nothing else can.  Your unconditional love toward us and the way you are always happy makes me envy you in so many ways.  I love you little man.

Everyone should own a dog.

The two of you are my life.  Even though I might not show it all the time, and every day isn’t perfect.  You need to know that if it wasn’t for the two of you by my side, I really don’t where I would be right now.  So to all of the readers out there who are not Cassandra or Dirk, now you know who the two loves of my life are, and maybe, hopefully, you might think I am such an emo angry bastard anymore.  I’m just a teddy bear.  Someone who just probably cares too much about the things few people even think about.

While I know it is probably out of place for my to call myself a “writer” since in reality, having a blog hardly makes you a writer, it is something I am actively doing, and actively trying to become better at.  I doubt I will ever write a book, or even a short work of fiction, but I do enjoy posing questions, and jotting down thoughts.  So, for the sake of this article, let me call myself a writer.

Kurt Vonnegut

Today on Twitter, one of the few people I follow, DoshDosh, posted a link to an article: vonnegutSTYLE.  As I am sure you do not know, Kurt Vonnegut is my favorite author of all time, hands down.  I have never been much of a bookworm, but I believe I have read almost every one of Vonneguts books.  His writing style is captivating, and his stories just, amazing.

When I saw the link DoshDosh posted I immediately clicked on it. As someone who is still in the infant stages as a writer, and actively developing a style for myself, the idea of getting advice on style from the master himself was something I could not pass up.  So now, as per his recommendation, I suppose I shall try to evaluate my own style against his guidelines publicly.  I hope you can offer me any feedback or constructive criticisms you might have.

Why should you examine your writing style with the idea of improving it? Do so as a mark of respect for your readers, whatever you’re writing. If you scribble your thoughts any which way, your readers will surely feel that you care nothing about them. They will mark you down as an egomaniac or a chowderhead — or, worse, they will stop reading you.

-Kurt Vonnegut

1. Find a subject you care about
   This is the entire point of this blog.  I feel I only write about things I care about, without compromise.  The issue lies in the fact that often finding such inspiration to write comes in waves.  I find a direct correlation between my moods, and my passion to write.  I feel it is good on one hand, where my output is only of a certain quality, to me.  Yet bad, in that I do not write nearly as much as I would like to, since I cannot force myself to have a topic worth writing about all the time.
2. Do not ramble
   I feel I need a lot of work in this area, as most of my posts could be regarded as pure rambling.  I would really love some input with respect to this.
3. Keep it simple
   I consider myself a good communicator, yet, you will never see something as simple and powerful as “To Be or Not to Be” come out of this blog.  I feel I have a good mix of complexity in my writing while it is still easy to understand what I am trying to convey.  I am not an english major and I not studied literature, so I am sure I could use a lot or work in this area.
4. Have guts to cut
   In the article, Vonnegut describes this as basically getting rid of useless words and sentences.  Do not try to fill your writings with too much fluff.  I think I need to work on this a good bit.  I can be a bit wordy and repetitive at times.
5. Sound like yourself
   I feel this is one of my strong points.  With me, what you read is what you get.
6. Say what you mean
   While I would like to think this is true for me, it is a tough point.  I realize that this blog is totally public with my name attached to it, and unlike Vonnegut, writing is not my livelihood.  I often find myself censored by the very premise of the wrong people seeing the wrong things written here.  In most cases I do say what I mean, but not always.
7. Pity the readers
   Basically what he is suggesting here is that you make what you write easy to read.  I’m pretty sure I could use some work here as well.

The most damning revelation you can make about yourself is that you do not know what is interesting and what is not. Don’t you yourself like or dislike writers mainly for what they choose to show you or make you think about? Did you ever admire an emptyheaded writer for his or her mastery of the language? No.

So, in closing, I suppose it is helpful to step back and evaluate yourself every once in a while, but I think the most important evaluations come from those other than yourself.  Based on the guidelines set fourth by the great Kurt Vonnegut, I ask you:  How am I doing?

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

I am not usually a very sappy person.  I am not sure I have ever really been so impacted by a speech, especially by a politician, but it was a pretty legenary speech.  Barack exhibits passion for his job, his country, and most importantly, his family, that few have the strength to exhibit.  Look at what he has become.

It makes me think, what is Inspiration, what is Passion?  I consider myself a very passionate person, but do I even really know what that means?

At work, sometimes I fight hard for something I believe in.  I feel it would be what most people would call passion.  In life, I do the same.  Problem is, many times passion gets labeled as anger, frustration, or various other negative things.  How can you take passion toward something and turn it into something inspiring, rather than something negative?

Often times, fighting for a cause, or fighting for anything you are passionate about, leads toward a rocky path.  A path that is often a very hard one to traverse.  You will meet hatred, resistance, and other people who want to stand in your way.  Often you will want to give up.

I believe that successful acts of passion are acts which often lead to inspiration.  They allow short-sighted defeatist people, like me, to see that sometimes, just sometimes, if you try hard enough, and don’t give up, you can make things happen.  The tricky part is not allowing passion to become anger.  Not allowing it to become frustration, and allow it to become…inspiring.

Vote or Die!

Do I care about politics?  A little bit.  I mean, so far as it impacts me, or the worlds perspective toward our country, the economy, etc.  However, I really don’t care that much.  I care enough to watch the debates, then go out on election day and cast my vote.  What I don’t care for, is how suddenly, around this time of year, every four years, everyone is a pundit.  Everyone has their super strong views, and goes around spouting nonsense to everyone else.  Everyone has such passion toward their candidate.

I will go on record as saying, I do have passion toward my candidate, a little.  I do want Bush out of office quite bad.  What I don’t have passion toward is watching every asshole become an expert.  Having to bite my tongue around the office because my political views do not agree with most other white-collar peoples views, and having my precious twitter and wow chat rooms constantly full of political jargon.

I was thinking today, how many millions of dollars were spent on this campaign, and, how much of it will be filling our landfills tomorrow?  Well, according to this site, the total cost of the combined presidential campaigns this year was OVER A BILLION FUCKING DOLLARS.  For what?  Travel, food, websites, stickers, signs, and various other things that will be in the collective countries garbage can tomorrow?

I wish the process in this country worked a bit differently.  Between the conventions, the debates, and the news coverage it felt more like watching a big sporting event with the two main event boxers constantly bad mouthing each other on some grand stage then it felt like choosing the next leader of our country.

Worst part is, that even with all the advertizing, I’m still not sure why I voted the way I did.  The issues weren’t clear to me, all I know is, tax-cut this, gay marriage that, pro-choice, etc.  But what about the issues that really AFFECT ME.  I don’t know what those issues are, nor do I know where our candidates stand on them.  What I do know is, based on all those commercials, McCain is one maverick who sure doesn’t like Obama, and, Obama likes the word change, a lot.

So, I guess I will go back to not being all too concerned with it.  To all those of you who are feverishly refreshing election results websites.  Take a break for a few hours and put on fox news.  The Black Panthers are forcing all republicans to vote Obama.

1. to carry out, or bring to realization, as a prophecy or promise.
2. to perform or do, as duty; obey or follow, as commands.
3. to satisfy (requirements, obligations, etc.): a book that fulfills a long-felt need.
4. to bring to an end; finish or complete, as a period of time: He felt that life was over when one had fulfilled his threescore years and ten.
5. to develop the full potential of (usually used reflexively): She realized that she could never fulfill herself in such work.

The above definitions aren’t bad, especially #3 and #5.  I believe #3 is the most accurate as to what I am looking for, with one problem, you would then have to define the word satisfaction, which would be sort of circular.

To me, fulfillment is something you feel.  You either feel fulfilled at a given moment, or you do not.  The feeling to me, is mostly about feeling like I have done something useful, toward the betterment of my self.  For some reason though, going to work, getting a paycheck, or paying a bill on time, does not fulfill me.  What does fulfill me, is, taking a day off of work to do things I enjoy, writing a blog post, or helping out a friend.  I suppose, to me, being fulfilled is directly tied to feeling like I am making a difference in someones life, even just my own life.

The problem is, for me, that feeling is rare, and often short lived.

Do you feel fulfillment should be something along the lines of a “high” where you feel it directly after you do something useful, or more of a constant?  I tend to believe it should be a constant.  You should feel like your life is fulfilling, all the time.

When people see my life from the outside, they think I am just some sad dude, with no reason to be.  I make a good living, have a stable job, a great girlfriend, a house, a new car, and a dog.  What’s not to like?  To quote another comment on my last entry by MooGoo:

I’m starting to think that overall, happy people are happy regardless of their situation, and depressed people are depressed regardless of their situation.

Happy people have this mystical ability to accept whatever life throws at them. Non-acceptance, always wanting something else, thus never having what you want, is depressing.

Knowing that “you have it pretty good (compared to some other people)” is small comfort. After all, you’re not some starving African kid with AIDS, so you should stop bitching right?

I have to say, I agree with this 100%.  I am starting to believe that I am simply one of those glass is half-empty sort of people, and as such, never satisfied.  Being compared to someone less fortunate than I, does nothing to make me feel better about my current life.

If I was a starving kid in Africa, and you gave me a warm house and tons of food, it would probably only take me a few weeks to complain about something.

The American Dream is belief in the freedom that allows all citizens and residents of the United States to pursue their goals in life through hard work. Today, it often refers to one’s material prosperity, which is dependent upon one’s abilities and work ethic, and not on a rigid class structure.

Although the phrase’s meaning has evolved over the course of American history, for some people, it is the opportunity to achieve greater material prosperity than was possible in their countries of origin. For others it is the opportunity for their children to grow up and receive an education and its consequent career opportunities. It is the opportunity to make individual choices without the restrictions of class, caste, religion, race, or ethnic group.

To me, this is not a dream.  Perhaps if you come from another country where you have been previously oppressed, the life I live would seem like paradise.  Perhaps, I am just a spoiled brat who can’t accept that the life he has is actually quite good.  No matter how you want to label me, I think the American Dream sucks, and I think it is an illusion.

So what is the modern american dream?  I would summarize it as saying:

To live in America, in a nice housing development, with two kids, a dog, a cat, and a heaping mound of debt.  To work at a job you barely enjoy, to make money, so that you can spend it on shit you don’t need.  Hope that you can afford to put your kids through college so they can live the same life you did.  Retire, and actually start to enjoy your life, once you’re almost 70 fucking years old.  Then die in a retirement home because your selfish kids didn’t want to deal with you.

I am just a ray of sunshine aren’t I?  But seriously, boiled down, this is the modern American Dream.  This is what the lucky members of our society are living.  Not to discount the fact that in reality, I know I have it pretty damn good.  It’s just that, living life should be what you want it to be, it should be enjoyable.  That’s the point, right?

This is where I am.  Should be enjoyable.  Without sounding too emo and suicidal about the whole thing, I can make an analogy.  If you are reading a book, and you don’t like it, do you continue reading it?  If you are playing a game, and it’s not fun, do you continue playing it?  If you are with a girl, and you are unhappy, do you stay with her?  The answer to all of the above questions is clearly, no.  So then, how come if you are living a life you hate, it is unacceptable to simply quit life?  Suicide is obviously a bad idea, it is the most selfish act one can commit.  I am not suggesting anyone do it, nor would I ever do it.  I am simply posing the question – Why is it so unacceptable?

How can I find Joy in my life?

Yup.

Education and Employment

For most people, from the time you are born, you are being sculpted.  Sculpted into what you will become someday.  From the time you are about 3 years old, barely even self-aware yet, you being the process of formal education.  Saving pre-school and kindergarten, you spend about 8 hours per day, 5 days a week, at school.  From the time you are about 6 years old, to the time you are 18 years old, you are being taught.  Trained.  Shown the things you need to know to be a successful adult.  After you are 18, many people volunteer for more education, with the expectation that the more educated you are, and the more pieces of paper you have, the more successful you will be.  Success?  A topic for an article in itself, the concept of success has become very warped.

From a very early age we are given the idea that we need an education to work towards a goal, that goal being, a good job.  So at 18, we either go to college for several more years, or we jump right into the workforce.  Those that go to college, after those years spent learning even more, we jump right into the workforce.

Why?  To make money.  If anyone even tries to suggest that they want/get a job for any other reason, then to make money, they are a liar.  So basically, we spend the first couple decades of our lives being groomed into a money making tool, so that we can provide income to ourselves, and our family, under the pretense that having that money will provide us the things we want, and need, to be happy.

The system has been designed in such a way that one cannot survive without money, and that one cannot obtain money, without a job to provide income.  Clearly these jobs can vary greatly on the scale of how much they suck, but even the best jobs, still suck.  Even pro athletes, and movie stars, I am sure, would much rather spend their time in leisure, or with their families, then being grossly overpaid to do things that to us, seem fun.

The purpose of your life

So then, if it can be argued that the purpose of your life in this day and age, is essentially a linear progression of:  Birth, Infancy, School, More School, Work, Retirement, Death.  What would you say the progression should be if you had to choose what you did?  If you did not need money to survive, if someone else provided everything you needed to you, what would you do?

Since the dawn of time, man has sought purpose.  No other organism on this planet has such a superficial life with such superficial purpose.  We are given roughly 75 years of life on this planet, to do with it what we choose.  Nature’s only concern is that we reproduce.  In days of early man, time was spent raising a family, making babies, and hunting food.  Later, we decided to make tools to aid us in this effort, even later, someone devised the idea that one could make a tool for someone else, and sell it, for a fee.  And even later, our entire life on this planet became being spent devising ways to make our lives easier, and, finding ways to profit from those ideas such that our own lives can be even more comfortable as we reap the benefits of our ideas.

Fast forward to modern times.  A system of currency has been developed, companies that provide such goods that our lives are more comfortable proudly provide us with all the things we need to live a happy, comfortable, fulfilling life.  Problem is, we need to be able to give these companies something in exchange for their goods.  Since we cant trade skins anymore, we trade labor.

You work for me helping to create these items of value, I will give you tokens for your efforts.  You give me those tokens back, I will give you the items you desire.  And thus, the cycle starts.  The purpose of our lives has become a constant uphill battle of obtaining the objects of our desire, and working hard to earn the tokens we need to pay for them.

When we age too much to be viable labor anymore, we retire, and enjoy the last few years of our life, doing what it is we wanted to be doing the entire time.  Nothing.  Shortly after which, we die.

The machine

As outlined above, there is a machine at work here.  A system of goods, services, and currency.  Companies exist to create the things we enjoy.  Other companies exist to provide those companies with the resources they need to create the things we enjoy, and even more companies exist to provide the services, logistics, and resources to all those companies, all so, you guessed it, we can have the things we enjoy.

So, we work at one of these companies, to make money, so that we can spend our money by giving back to the exact people who are paying us.

All this so that, when we are not at work, we have our television to watch, we have our video games to play, and our pre-packaged food to eat.  We have our care to drive, and electricity.  We have central air conditioning, and heat.  We have a comfy mattress to sleep on, and a toothbrush to keep our teeth nice and white.  We work so hard so that when we are not at work, our life is, what we think it should be.

If these companies did not exist, and no one created these luxuries we enjoy so much.  If the objects in our homes, and the video games we want do play did not exist, nor the tv shows or movies, nor the luxury car, or boats, nor the fishing rods and cameras, what would we want?

It is indeed a machine.  One enormous machine creating the very reasons we tire of work, creating the reasons we would rather stay home to enjoy these items we work so hard for.  And as such, in order to obtain these items, and maintain a standard of living, we go out each day, and contribute work into this machine.  We are the fuel for which the system burns to churn out the very objects we crave.  We resent the fact that we must spend so much of our life doing things we do not want to do, just so that when we get home, we can do the things we want to do.

What it boils down to…

As I am sure you already know, we must work.  We, the masses, must have a job to collect our dollars, to buy the things from the companies we work for.  All so that for about 4 hours a day, we can truly relax and enjoy our lives, all to go to sleep, wake up, and do it all over again.

The activities we enjoy the most get relinquished to being mere “hobbies”, and we spend but a fraction of our time actually doing the things we love.  But, such is life in this world.  In a system designed so that all of us humans are merely a means to an end.

Reproducing and raising families has become secondary to work.  People cannot afford to have children either due to time, or money constraints.  Some people choose to have children when they cannot afford to, and live a live of near poverty, others, decide to never have children because they are too selfish to share their income and wealth with someone else.  Then there are the minority of people who have kids, and can easily afford to raise those children properly…properly meaning, providing them with objects they want, providing them with a good education, and steering them in the direction their parents went in, to become another cog.

I know this seems like a gloomy outlook, but in my opinion, it is the truth.  Fact is, this is how it is, and how it must be.  I just wish I could find a job, a purpose, in life, which I actually enjoyed to some extent and did not dread waking up each day.  A job where I could create, a job where I was not subject to the whims and bias of other people, a job where I had the freedom to work as much or as little as I wanted to on any given day.

I guess I should launch a website and cover it with advertising.

I swear, I'm not emo!

I used to think it was just for me, but I really am beginning to believe that is not true.  I used to not care if anyone read it, or if I had any traffic, but recently, I do care.  Coming up with topics to write about several days a week is getting harder and harder (as you might have noticed from the lack of new posts), and it is beginning to feel like a thankless chore, rather than a creative outlet.  

Lately I feel I censor myself far too much for this to be a blog about me, or for me.  Ever since some of my family found the blog, and decided it would be a good idea to essentially make fun of me, I have felt quite inhibited by what I can and cannot write.  The same goes for work.  God forbid I wrote anything about work.  Lately, my biggest motivations for topics to write on have been family, friend, or other personal life related issues.  Problem is, I feel I cannot write about those topics for several reasons:

1. Who cares to read about my personal issues?  I know I don’t care to read about yours.
2. Too many of my family and friends read this blog for me to be willing to put myself out there like that, and talk about those issues publicly, since I am sure there would be consequences.
3. I really didn’t want this blog to be another personal emo-journal.  I wanted it to be an interesting blog to read for people who were interested in philosophical or otherwise thought provoking topics.

The problem is, people aren’t interested in reading about the topics I write about.  Most of what I write about are highly debatable philosophical questions, which would do best with a nice number of comments to go along with them.  But, I get none.  The blog posts I get the most hits on are either game or tech related.  My #1 post from a hits/comments standpoint is my post about why Windows Vista Doesn’t Suck, and honestly, it is one of the posts I personally like the least.

The posts I enjoy to write about are, the ones you see on her more often then not.  Philosophy and Psychology related topics, but, they generate almost no traffic, and I get the feeling I spend so much time writing and perfecting my posts/site, just so no one can even ever read it.

My motivation is dying.

I know I cannot expect a blog such as this to be an overnight success, but I thought that after 4 months I would see more than a whopping TWENTY DAILY VISITORS!

Alas, I am beginning to feel the days of this blog are numbered.  I cannot seem to find a comfort zone of topics I, enjoy writing about, people enjoy reading about, and that I can generate a steady stream of topics week after week, to write about.

I do not want this to become a personal journal, nor do I want it to become just another tech or gaming related blog, the internets would be mad at me if I did that.

So please, if you are actually reading this, leave me a comment with your thoughts or suggestions so that I can get an idea of what the few readers I do have, enjoy reading about!  I want to find my motivation again!